bahahhahaha I LAUGH AND SMILE AND SCREAM AND SHOUT AT ALL THE MOTHERFUCKERS FEELING SORRY FOR THEMSELVES BAHAHHAHAAH. yes, I indeed am one of those bastards, but no, no, my time has come and now i must eat some tomatoe soup

_____Mother hells burns the spine

Better lock that fucking door
Wide eyed in the mirror
Laying on the bathroom floor
Skeleton faces screaming at me
All I wanted to do was pee
But my face sinks into the toilet bowl
I think Im losing my fucking soul



______________________________________________________________

The portal to my brain says no more pain
fuck all this intellectual bullshit you think you obtain
I would rather blowout my fucking brains
But im not, I say goodbye to the ones who slept with me every night
and take off into an endless coma full of dreams & insight.

-__-

oh getting bailed on more times in the past two weeks than any human i believe. man, i really suck. bahahhaha

i miss you, take a lil travel on this way. yea?

my ribs they hurt

i can actually feel the emotional pain im suffering with in my head, as a physical pain. Mother hell, what the fuckkkk. Im realizing im the one out of the few friends i have who doesn't seem to understand how people cant understand the need I desire for lack of communication for most people. Explaining in the most idiotic terms. stupid people friendly so they might understand where i am coming from, but no. they say they do, but I know they really really dont. If they did why do these people feel the need to keep questioning my actions. Simple actions such as NOT DOING WHAT THEY ARE DOING. is that so hard to understand that a single human does not feel the need to follow these oh so desirable trends, I get bored. yes, I enjoy every so often seeing so and so's band play blah blah, I enjoy the enviroment, most of the people, the drunken dancing like a 50s retro lady shakin the hairs, whatever. But no, I get in these moods where yes I understand once i get there ill be okay, but i guess the self loathing in ones depression in my eyes seems more like a teaser than the whole info i gave above. sulking into just wanting to get fucked up by myself every now and then. Last time I did so, bathing, dancing, writing stupid lyrics in my head which i could never repeat without sounding like a fuck ass. re-evaluating constantly. Few days ago I had a serious urge to forget everything, I really thought it could work, maybe it was the sleep deprivation or maybe it was the drunken hangover, maybe the mind warps all together. but yes, I had this urge to forget everything, drop it all and leave. I mean I could get into this really deep philosophical mess that will make me sick, but short and sweet and so on and so on, Nothing really matters, In life what my REAL passions are, what Ive been waiting for my entire life but yet has not been fulfilled, leaving, as if forgotten maybe? questioning my existance on this earth at all. Pictures, they dont tell shit about me. No proof I was really here. Okay...getting off on a tangent. forgotten, perhaps? Leave, go, see, do carelessly what ive been longing for, have these memories trapped in my brain until the moment I die. I do not want any memory of me on this filthy earth, You can burn my body and scatter the ashes. At that, i could go on for hours explaining myself...to...well..myself? but I leave you with how much I would love to smoke a ciggy, so ta-ta for now, friend.

but whyyyyyy

did you have to let it happen?


you would have been okay by now, you know this!


I close my eyes
Only for a moment, then the momen't gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All they are is dust in the wind Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind, ohh Now, don't hang on
Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won't another minute buy
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind Dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
Everything is dust in the wind
The wind







i hope it didnt hurt

things are changing for the worse a little more each day

how is it one person can rewind the building of your own bridges, demolished...torn to the fucking ground brick by brick

the words you try to express i know will never compare to the thoughts in your head. words are the stepping stone to being destroyed stepping backward and forward your entire life...what the fuck do this goddamn stones say with each step you take, figure it out? you'll never fully understand the power a sentence can take

grainy brains

another routine day at work, thinking about reading instead of rotting my brain on here;solution...blog? Feeling extra amounts of anxiety lately and thought maybe i'd just get it out of my head. I've done this before, created an unnecessary blog it follows through with me believing its so fucking pointless to be writing my thoughts/feelings/day, whatever. I guess that goes along with me not liking to talk about myself, or talk at all in general much anymore. I remember when I was a kid I was super slap happy always hugging everyone and smiling, (I dont know why i know inside i was rotting and didnt even realize it. Sometimes I wish I could still be that indenial.) Anyways, people continuously pushed me away, I'm assuming it was somewhat aggrivating having a kid weening for hugs, hand holding, cheek kissing. I soon realized that needed to stop, I got the picture. I mean, I understand now but at the time it was complete shut down. i stopped, anxiety took over my brain always feeling like i was going to passout, late night phone calls to relitives not being able to breathe. i remember sitting outside, complete blackness besides the little light infront of my house...(i live on a few acres, no near street lights and such) arms around knees face between legs, ya know...the pretty typical anxiety attack positon -haha-...I guess my point is, it really is quite freightening but also somewhat comforting to have this familiar feeling overcoming throughout myself. Its something, as much as I don't want it to be but in al probability pretty obvious i want to talk but cant unless appraoched one on one...Terrible with group conversations for the most part. I think its time for me to grow the content lonliness inside myself, coming to terms with myself I guess some would say. accepting. Not sure if thats the smartest of solutions but I suppose I can try...