things are changing for the worse a little more each day

how is it one person can rewind the building of your own bridges, demolished...torn to the fucking ground brick by brick

the words you try to express i know will never compare to the thoughts in your head. words are the stepping stone to being destroyed stepping backward and forward your entire life...what the fuck do this goddamn stones say with each step you take, figure it out? you'll never fully understand the power a sentence can take

grainy brains

another routine day at work, thinking about reading instead of rotting my brain on here;solution...blog? Feeling extra amounts of anxiety lately and thought maybe i'd just get it out of my head. I've done this before, created an unnecessary blog it follows through with me believing its so fucking pointless to be writing my thoughts/feelings/day, whatever. I guess that goes along with me not liking to talk about myself, or talk at all in general much anymore. I remember when I was a kid I was super slap happy always hugging everyone and smiling, (I dont know why i know inside i was rotting and didnt even realize it. Sometimes I wish I could still be that indenial.) Anyways, people continuously pushed me away, I'm assuming it was somewhat aggrivating having a kid weening for hugs, hand holding, cheek kissing. I soon realized that needed to stop, I got the picture. I mean, I understand now but at the time it was complete shut down. i stopped, anxiety took over my brain always feeling like i was going to passout, late night phone calls to relitives not being able to breathe. i remember sitting outside, complete blackness besides the little light infront of my house...(i live on a few acres, no near street lights and such) arms around knees face between legs, ya know...the pretty typical anxiety attack positon -haha-...I guess my point is, it really is quite freightening but also somewhat comforting to have this familiar feeling overcoming throughout myself. Its something, as much as I don't want it to be but in al probability pretty obvious i want to talk but cant unless appraoched one on one...Terrible with group conversations for the most part. I think its time for me to grow the content lonliness inside myself, coming to terms with myself I guess some would say. accepting. Not sure if thats the smartest of solutions but I suppose I can try...