my ribs they hurt

i can actually feel the emotional pain im suffering with in my head, as a physical pain. Mother hell, what the fuckkkk. Im realizing im the one out of the few friends i have who doesn't seem to understand how people cant understand the need I desire for lack of communication for most people. Explaining in the most idiotic terms. stupid people friendly so they might understand where i am coming from, but no. they say they do, but I know they really really dont. If they did why do these people feel the need to keep questioning my actions. Simple actions such as NOT DOING WHAT THEY ARE DOING. is that so hard to understand that a single human does not feel the need to follow these oh so desirable trends, I get bored. yes, I enjoy every so often seeing so and so's band play blah blah, I enjoy the enviroment, most of the people, the drunken dancing like a 50s retro lady shakin the hairs, whatever. But no, I get in these moods where yes I understand once i get there ill be okay, but i guess the self loathing in ones depression in my eyes seems more like a teaser than the whole info i gave above. sulking into just wanting to get fucked up by myself every now and then. Last time I did so, bathing, dancing, writing stupid lyrics in my head which i could never repeat without sounding like a fuck ass. re-evaluating constantly. Few days ago I had a serious urge to forget everything, I really thought it could work, maybe it was the sleep deprivation or maybe it was the drunken hangover, maybe the mind warps all together. but yes, I had this urge to forget everything, drop it all and leave. I mean I could get into this really deep philosophical mess that will make me sick, but short and sweet and so on and so on, Nothing really matters, In life what my REAL passions are, what Ive been waiting for my entire life but yet has not been fulfilled, leaving, as if forgotten maybe? questioning my existance on this earth at all. Pictures, they dont tell shit about me. No proof I was really here. Okay...getting off on a tangent. forgotten, perhaps? Leave, go, see, do carelessly what ive been longing for, have these memories trapped in my brain until the moment I die. I do not want any memory of me on this filthy earth, You can burn my body and scatter the ashes. At that, i could go on for hours explaining myself...to...well..myself? but I leave you with how much I would love to smoke a ciggy, so ta-ta for now, friend.